Ep 43 What’s the #1 Habit of A Successful Teen? Two Powerful Words: Begin Again
Show Notes
We all know that comparison is a confidence killer. But ‘what if’ you flip the coin and look at the other side of comparison as a catalyst, a sign, that you’re ready to create more for yourself? Begin again.
The cool thing about learning how to flip the coin and begin again is it’s not as hard as your daughter might think it is and here’s why…her experiences – all of them – the messy ones and the amazing ones serve as a personal signpost, to offer guidance for all her adventures in life.
The million-dollar question is…is your daughter paying attention to the signs as she moves through her journey, or is she just going through the motions, allowing her external environment to dictate her mood and her past to dictate her future?
In today’s episode we’re going to unpack why it’s so important for your daughter to learn how to stop, look and listen so she can become adept at interpreting what each life lesson, each signpost, is offering. Because when she’s tuned in and exercising agency over her adventures in life, she’ll naturally see her significance, that she matters and that see that she has something unique to offer the world.
Hey Parents,
I don’t know about you, but the moments in life where I’ve felt insignificant, invisible, and thought, “What’s the point of sticking this out?’ are easy to recall and dwell on thanks to the mind’s innate confirmation bias.
A concept that blew my mind and is often, when explained, is an ah-ha moment for so many of the clients who enroll in my 90 Days to a More Resilient Teen Coaching Program.
Let’s take Emily (not her real name) for example. After meeting Emily, it was crystal clear that she was the real deal – the thoughtful, loyal friend so many teenage girls are searching for. And Emily’s desire to contribute to her athletic team is what natural leaders are made of.
The hard part, and the part that pulls on my heartstrings, is how over time Emily’s biases and beliefs lead to her habitual negative thought loops and kept her from stopping, looking, and listening to the guidance her personal signposts were offering.
Key Concepts
So, quickly, before we move on, let’s clarify two concepts – confirmation bias and negative thought loops and how they often play out.
You may have heard about confirmation bias by now if you’ve listened to Ep – 24 How to Help Your Teenage Daughter Develop What Really Matters. Essentially a confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
And a negative thought loop is an excessive, repetitive thought that causes depressive or melancholy emotions, and interferes with your ability to think and act clearly. So, if you hear your daughter saying she’s always stuck in her head, she may be gathering evidence and ruminating on an issue, and that’s probably worth investigating.
Emily’s Story
Emily’s negative thought loops usually played out like this…she’d get to school, and her triggering thought was “these people don’t see me, I’ll never fit in”.
These thoughts then caused her to feel a sense of sadness, numbness actually, which in turn caused Emily to go into shut down mode, a natural state of self-protection and preservation. And from that emotional state, she would find herself just going through the motions of her day, on autopilot, and this became her daily pattern.
The good news is, after a few conversations aimed at deepening Emily’s sense of self, she was able to stop, look and to flip the script in order to begin again.
It was beautiful to watch Emily become a master of discerning which habits and patterns strengthened her, and which ones weakened her, and how to reframe her scenarios, especially the comparison traps.
My Path & North Star
When I think back to my adventures in life, I’d like to say that I always located and followed my North Star. But I definitely got out of step with my rhythm of life at times.
I also followed a few wrong people down their path, ignoring my intuition until that small voice – which is actually the big voice if you give it airtime – stopped me in my tracks and redirected me. And, if you’re curious, I share a little bit about that journey is an article titled, What would you do? You’ll find it on my website, Cultivatingresilientteens.com
Thankfully I had loving guides who nudged me when was wobbling or veering off course to stop, look, listen, and begin again. And it’s my life’s mission to pass along tools and strategies that’ll help you and your daughter recognize when it’s time to shift because as Einstein so profoundly reminds us, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
Stop, Look & Listen Exercise
So, here’s what I want you to take away with you today from today’s conversation. It’s a quick and powerful exercise that’ll empower your daughter to decode life’s signs so she can thrive in 2024.
Ironically it was also part of my high school cheer, so I know it has staying power! Which in this case is a good thing.
Okay, so when the comparison gremlins start revving up and your daughter’s sense of self is starting to shrink, let’s run her through this exercise.
Stop and write down the thought she’s having right now because she’s going to want to flip any negative, comparison thought and use it as a catalyst to define what she really wants for yourself.
Look at the sentence she wrote down and be honest about any biases, especially assumptions or limiting beliefs she’s allowing to take up space in her mind.
Listen to her voice of wisdom. She’ll need to pause, tap into a sense of self-compassion, and allow her voice to guide her so she can see the bigger picture. If she’s going to spend time gathering evidence, why not gather her golden nuggets – evidence of what she’s truly capable of!
And lastly, as you wrap up this calendar year, please remind your daughter of this very important message:
You are lovable. You Matter. You Are Significant. You have something to offer this world.
Okay my friends, until next time, here’s to cultivating a more resilient teens for all of life’s adventures.
