Ep – 48 What to Do When Your Daughter’s Trying Too Hard to Control the Outcome
Show Notes
Hey parents, have you ever watched your daughter tie herself in knots in order to clear up a misunderstanding or fix messy friend drama?
Maybe she’s bending over backwards to repair a friendship that’s gone sideways, rewriting her texts a dozen times before hitting send – or the one thing I hear often – taking the blame for something she didn’t do just to restore a sense of peace and stability.
Even though her attempts to control the situation may feel proactive, that approach is likely keeping your daughter in fight or flight mode.
We’re going to change that today by offering your daughter an approach that’ll bring her the peace and stability she needs – and deserves.
Welcome back to the Cultivating Resilient Teens podcast.
I’m your host, Shawna Warner, and it’s my mission to help you empower your teenage daughter with confidence, integrity, and resilience for all her adventures in life.
Today’s episode kicks off a new mini-series called “From Chaos to Clarity” based off the 5 Simple Steps from Chaos to Clarity that we introduced in the previous episode Ep – 47 How to Guide Your Daughter Through Misunderstandings and Messy Friend Drama.
We’re starting with Step One: Reflecting on what ways your teenage daughter might be trying to control the outcome.
WHAT’S HAPPENING – The Myth of Having it All Together
Have you ever thought about how much of a teenage girl’s emotional world is tied to her social life? And how easy it is to believe that everyone else has it all figured out.
The teens in my 90 Days to a More Resilient Teen Coaching Program
consistently report that over 80% of their mood and motivation are directly influenced by social connections and conflicts.
And most of them feel like navigating the world of social rank, reputation, and rumors
make it difficult for them to establish a strong sense of self.
But the truth is, feeling confident and stable isn’t about having it all together. It’s about staying true to yourself when things get messy.
WHY IT MATTERS – The Cost of Trying to Keep Everyone Happy
And while desiring peace and stability is understandable, the belief that peace and stability only come when everything’s under control is – a slippery slope.
As parents it’s hard to watch your daughter exhaust herself trying to do all-the-things.
So, let’s invite your daughter to learn how to become a steady presence in the face of adversity. Because when her world feels confusing, painful, or totally out of control a tool that’ll nurture and reset her nervous system will move her from chaos to clarity.
WHAT TO DO – Normalize the Process
First and foremost, please remind your daughter that trying to control a situation when she’s feeling overwhelmed is a natural response. When you’re trying to control a situation, that’s your signal that you are ready for peace and stability.
And it’s important to note that stepping into a moment of peace and stability doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It means you’re creating a space for a new perspective to take root. And new perspectives opens the door to willingness – the softer yet powerful energy that’ll allow you to learn and grow through your experiences.
MAIN TAKEAWAY – Hiding in Plain Sight
Because your teenage daughter’s life is truly meant to be a great adventure, having the right tools for the job is essential. So, as she continues to build her beautiful toolbox, today’s invitation is this:
Take a deep breath in. Scrunch up your shoulders and then release them.
Just for this moment in time let go of trying to make life happen.
Hold your hands out in front of you, palms up.
Continue to breathe as you slowly rub your palms together.
Now simply open your hands and gaze at the shape, color and texture of your palms.
What do you see?
How have your hands supported you today?
Your hands do so much more than write, scroll, or text – they can calm and nurture your nervous system.
Have you thought about the way your whole body relaxes when you hold someone’s hand?
Or when you reach out to comfort a friend who’s having a rough day? Your touch actually helps them feel grounded.
That’s how powerful your hands are. And your daughter carries this calming, regulating tool everywhere she goes.
WRAP UP – Bringing it all Together
Okay my friends, as we bring our time together to a close, let’s take a loving, slow breath. Perhaps place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly.
Remember that as your daughter learns she doesn’t have to control every outcome – she’ll begin to discover her true strength – her unique superpowers.
Because when emotions are high and it’s not clear what to do next, your daughter needs, and deserves, something effective she can use in the moment.
Until next time, here’s to cultivating a more resilient teen with confidence, integrity, and resilience for all of life’s adventures.
