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Have you ever asked your daughter how she’s doing and heard something like … “it’s complicated” or “you won’t understand!”
As you’re working through the ‘letting go’ and ‘losing control’ part of raising a teenager (two of the hardest parts if you ask me), getting a non-answer when you’re trying to connect is tough because:
- it feels like it widens the divide
- and pulls heavily on your heartstrings
As a parent of teens, I get it.
Welcome back to the Cultivating Resilient Teens Podcast, it’s an honor to spend this time with you.
If you’re feeling like you haven’t quite found a solution to how to empower your daughter to build confidence, integrity and resilience for all of life’s adventures, this episode is for you.
And hopefully it’ll make it easier for you and your daughter to learn and grow together, too.
After years of working with teens and their families, I think you’ll see that the 4 Steps to Cultivating a Resilient Teen:
- Developing a strong sense of self
- Creating meaningful educational experiences
- Designing healthy social scenarios
- Fostering a connective family life
Not only offer your daughter the tools she needs to step into her personal power, recognize when to lead and when to follow, and mitigate the negative effects of social media.
They also help you learn how to navigate these teen rites of passage.
If you’re not familiar with my signature system, the 4 Steps to Cultivating a Resilient Teen, you can find more information and the full show notes for this podcast on my website, cultivatingresilientteens.com.
Okay, here’s the downlow on … “it’s complicated” or “you won’t understand.”
The likelihood that these statements are true, is pretty high.
It’s less about trying to drive you crazy or push you away, and more about your daughter feeling overwhelmed and confused herself.
And as a caring, resourceful and hardworking parent, you likely encourage your daughter to be a critical thinker in order to solve her problems.
No doubt, critical thinking is an essential life skill.
But sometimes relationships are messy, and miscommunications happen – and there’s not a clear answer or approach.
You may see the wheels turning as your daughter attempts to figure out or fix her situation.
And recognize that she’s caught in a negative thought loop, which, as you know, isn’t helpful.
If you’re not familiar with how negative thought loops influence your daughter’s mood and motivation, you may want to familiarize yourself with the top 6 thinking errors in Ep – 28 How to Break Free from Thinking Errors that Wreck Your Daughter’s Confidence.
It’s a Dance
So here you are, trying to connect with and support your daughter, but you’re not sure whether to step in or step back – a bit of a dance.
I think this edited quote from Life’s Random Bits says it well … “You, the parent, are the lead and your job is to teach and guide your child in learning the steps to the dance. But your child controls the music.
When you have finally figured out which song you’re dancing to and have gotten in sync, they change the song. Then you have to do it all over again.”
And each one of your children play different songs at the same time.
What Needs to Happen
So, here’s what needs to happen so your daughter can get the clarity she craves and allow you to dance with agility and grace.
Understand the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset
Renowned Stanford professor and author of the book Mindset, Carol Dweck, states that having a fixed mindset means believe that you are who you are and there isn’t any room for change.
And conversely, a growth mindset means you’re open to learning and growing as you experience and navigate life’s ups and downs.
What I love most about Dweck is, she invites us to look at life as more of an adventure.
Speaking of adventures, I finally got around to reading the book, The Alchemist.
The essence of the book reminds us that in order to live fully, you need to be open to discovering your personal legend and to listening to your heart.
5 Keys to a Growth Mindset
And interestingly, Dweck’s 5 Keys to a Growth Mindset embrace those principles:
- Believe in yourself
- Get to know yourself
- Become a lifelong learner
- Apply what you’ve learned into an actionable plan
- Be adaptable
If you think about it this way, empowering your daughter to build confidence, integrity and resilience for all of life’s adventures isn’t about doing everything perfectly or thinking you need to know everything about everything.
It’s about having an open heart and an open mind because that’ll make it easier to navigate those confusing twists and complicated turns.
A growth mindset will show your beautiful girl that, with the right tools and resources, she can handle anything that comes her way.
Ah, that feels easier, doesn’t it.
Until next week, please take good care of yourselves.
Life’s Random Bits | Parenting is Like Dancing | 9.7.2017
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success | Carol Dweck
5 Keys to the Right Mindset for Growth and Success | Bob Choat | 7.3.2015