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Ep – 35 A Surprisingly Simple Solution to Raising a Socially Resilient Teen
How much do your daughter’s friendships influence HER attitude, mood and motivation?
As a parent and teen coach I hear a lot of stories about how other people’s actions and reactions seem to affect my client’s well-being.
Of course, it’s natural for connection seeking teens to be influenced by their environment, especially their social scenarios.
The hard part is, humans, not just teenage girls, are naturally fickle.
So, if your daughter is always acting or reacting to what’s happening in her external environment, in the moment, she may feel like she’s constantly bouncing around like a ping pong ball … up one minute, down the next.
And truth be told, even if her wild emotions give her a boost of energy, it’s not a healthy habit she’ll want to keep around.
Welcome back to the Cultivating Resilient Teens Podcast
This is the second podcast of a three-part series where we’re diving deeper into what it looks like to develop your daughter’s sense of self and how she can design social scenarios that align with who she truly is or who she desires to be.
Find the complete show notes, resources, and links to previous episodes on my website, cultivating resilient teens.com.
Before we get rolling today, I want to give you a little heads up that today’s topic, if you’re listing with your daughter, may evoke an eye roll before a head nod, and here’s why.
Most teenage girls have:
- and expectations
that influence how they go about creating and keeping friendships.
Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot of information or conversation about how those beliefs, hopes and expectations come to fruition.
Though, they’re often the result of their upbringing, environment, and past social experiences.
So here’s the hard part, if your daughter isn’t aware of what her beliefs, hopes and expectations are – and how they influence her relationships – she’s going to bounce.
If she’s getting the attention that meets her expectations, she’ll bounce up.
And when she doesn’t get the reaction or response she wants, her mood will dip.
ME and WE
As you might imagine, relying on other people to moderate her mood and motivation level is exhausting, and will leave her feeling pretty powerless.
The good news is it doesn’t have to be that way.
When your daughter is clear with her core friendship values, she’ll be able to establish a clear boundary between ME and WE.
3 Red Flags
In order to set clear boundaries, you’ll want to be aware of a few situations, or red flags, that cause things to get messy.
- Red Flag #1 Your daughter constantly feels pressured to do what her friends want to do, and rarely does what she thinks is fun.
- Red Flag #2 Your daughter feels ‘guilt tripped’ for spending time with other friends or doing things she enjoys.
- Red Flag #3 Your daughter hears statements like, “If I do this for you, then you should do this for me.”
Maybe you’ve witnessed how similar situations affect your daughters’ attitude, mood and motivation in the past?
It can be tough to watch your daughter flip flop, trust me, learning the difference between ME and WE is a learned skill.
The Friendship Playbook
That’s why I want to invite your daughter to pause for a moment and answer these statements honestly.
Truly, the most effective way for her to create the friendships she craves and deserves, is to be honest and write down her beliefs, hopes and expectations.
I affectionately call this The Friendship Playbook.
Grab a piece of paper or go to the notes in your phone and complete these statements:
- I believe a true friend possess these qualities (a few ideas are honesty, dependable, trustworthy)
- I hope that my friends will react / respond like _________ if I need their encouragement or support.
- I expect that my close friends will _________ when I’m happy or sad.
This simple activity may not be easy if your daughter hasn’t ever thought about what she needs in a friend or what makes her happy.
Though, by writing her thoughts down, she can reflect back and assess what she needs and if she’s honoring healthy friendship boundaries.
Not only will this exercise help her learn and grow, but it’ll also help her continue to:
As we talked about in Ep -34 How to Define Your Daughter’s Ideal Tribe – Because One Size Does Not Fit All sometimes what your daughter thinks she needs, isn’t exactly what she really needs.
Keeping in Real
Like I’ve said before, ya all are what make this podcast REAL and meaningful.
Thank you for being here, for spending the time to build this community, for sharing this podcast with your friends, for trusting me to work with you and your daughter and for coming together so we can collectively empower teenage girls to build confidence integrity and resilience for all of life’s adventures.
I look forward to talking with you about ‘What to do When …?’ because when you have a guide to handle life’s toughest social challenges with grace and ease, you’ll feel good about your responses and eliminate the guilt and guesswork.
Until next time my friends, know that I’m thinking of you!
Episode #18 2 Key Elements Your Daughter Needs to Design Healthy Social Scenarios
Episode #16 Does Your Teenage Daughter Need a Strong Sense of Self to be Successful in Life?